


I Believe You

by Shineey_Star



Series: The Definition of Insanity [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Akechi Goro Needs a Hug, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Groundhog Day, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kurusu Akira needs a hug, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:40:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21713143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shineey_Star/pseuds/Shineey_Star
Summary: “Akechi,” Akira begins drawing the attention of the brunette. His red eyes slowly move from the window to face his voice. He doesn’t look surprised, Akira wasn’t expecting him to. They’ve been here before. Not once. It has been a few times, Akira isn’t quite sure how many. Can’t be more than five. That’s about as much as he remembers.Does he remember?Does Akechi remember this?
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: The Definition of Insanity [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2051910
Comments: 4
Kudos: 202





	I Believe You

“Akechi,” Akira begins drawing the attention of the brunette. His red eyes slowly move from the window to face his voice. He doesn’t look surprised, Akira wasn’t expecting him to. They’ve been here before. Not once. It has been a few times, Akira isn’t quite sure how many. Can’t be more than five. That’s about as much as he remembers. 

Does he remember?

Does Akechi remember this?

Akechi gives a patient smile, but it looks tired. Bags are under his eyes. Akira doesn’t remember them being there previously. He never looked unkempt. Maybe this time he already assumed Akira would appear. Akira looks around. Nobody in the cafe pays them any mind. Nobody knows Akechi. They’re all older people who don’t care enough about what high school students are doing.

Akira begins to pull out the chair to sit, but thinks twice about it and asks, “May I?”

“You know the answer,” Akechi replies patiently. He does— he did in a previously time. He’s not sure if this stays consistent. Akira remembers the past five times they’ve maneuvered like this, but he’s not sure if Akechi will change. He’s been inconsistent and consistent previously. His mood is mercurial. At some points, Akira thinks he can trust Akechi. At some points, Akira thinks he may still be trying to kill him. 

“I had to make sure,” Akira says seating himself. 

“Of course,” Akechi replies shortly staring into his mug.

Akira wishes the others came with him. They are supposed to be here. But they got caught up somewhere. They will show up soon, but Akira doesn’t know how soon it is.

“What?” Akechi asks. “You’re staring. Something on my face?”

Akira wants to say yes. He wants to point out the bags under his eyes and ask why they’re here this time. He wants to ask when he last slept. He wants to know if he’s  _ okay _ . Because he was never okay previously. He wouldn’t say it, but he wasn’t.

“Kurusu,” Akechi begins. 

“You called me Akira before,” Akira points out uselessly. 

Akechi pauses and nods, “You remember.”

“I always have,” Akira responds just realizing how difficult this is, but it shouldn’t be. Talking to him was easy before, and then it’s hard, and then it’s easy, and then it’s hard, and it’s this cycle that Akira wants to end. “Do you?”

“Always?” Akechi raises an eyebrow. Amusement alight. It’s dry. It’s amusement at his own expense. Akira recognizes that look, he’s seen it a few times. “No, not always.”

“What are you—”

“Akira!” The others have shown up. A part of Akira is relieved. Another part, annoyed. Annoyed that they’re late. Annoyed that Akechi may not be himself. Akechi always acts weird around the others. More reserved. As if he doesn’t trust them to trust him.

_ “And they shouldn’t. I shouldn’t _ .” Akechi had said once. 

Ryuji hisses at Akechi, “You have some explaining to do!”

“Do I?” Akechi asks with practiced patience. It’s a tone he takes up to avoid confrontation that he doesn’t want to deal with. Feigning ignorance and wearing a mask is something Akechi is great at. Akira, once, maybe a few times, was able to actually to get beneath that mask. 

“Yeah dude!” Ryuji exclaims. He’s fuming and he’s only been in Akechi’s presence for a few seconds. 

Akechi glances at Akira. Akira holds his gaze for the brief few seconds that they meet. Akechi looks away. Staying silent, he takes a sip of his drink and waits. Akira wonders if it tastes as good as the coffee he’s made for Akechi before. He hasn’t done it yet. Not since they came back to this very moment. But previously, he did and Akechi said it was the best. Akira wonders if he remembers that or that was wiped. 

Ann jumps in, “You… you…!” she lowers her voice to a whispered yell, not that anyone is paying attention to them. Not that anyone ever does in this cafe. Not previously, not now. “You got yourself killed! You sacrificed yourself you idiot!”

“Again,” Akira adds softly. 

Akechi glances between all of them. He shrugs.

“Yes, again,” he blinks and stares straight at Akira. Akira expects an accusation. Instead, he sees this blankness taking over his eyes. A defense mechanism Akira has grown accustomed to. A defense mechanism Akira hates and has tried to help Akechi avoid. 

“This is the third time!” Morgana growls. “Do you remember? Do you remember our conversations?”

“Of course,” Akechi confesses. “Why do you ask?”

“Because you died,” Akira deadpans. “Again. And again. And again.” Akechi’s expression shifts only a little and he can’t determine what it is that causes it or what it means. “This is the fifth.”

“Fifth?!” all of them exclaim. Akechi doesn’t say anything. He stares at Akira.

He’s waiting for Akira to do something, but what? What is he aware of that Akira isn’t? What is waiting for Akira to acknowledge and come to realize? His leg begins moving slowly as he tries to think, but he can’t figure it out.

“Yes, fifth,” Akira hates the tone Akechi has taken. It’s so carefully blank. This confrontation has left him shut off. He’s talking about it as if dying five times isn’t a big deal. He’s talking about this as if it’s the weather. “So he says fifth.”

_ So he says _ .

“Do you not remember all of them?” Akira asks watching his gaze.

“I remember,” Akechi confirms. “I remember all of them.” 

_ All? _

Akira can’t ask about the particular words choice because Haru jumps in. The word choice wouldn’t be weird to others, but it stands out. It’s deliberate. It’s not a specific number.  _ All _ .

Haru, in a smaller voice, “You’ve died five times Akechi? Why… why do you keep doing this?”

“Doing what?” 

“Getting yourself killed, dumbass,” Ryuji is heated, but he’s not yelling. “You did it the same way the three times we remember. Fighting us regardless of what happened. We tried to reason with you, you lock yourself behind the boiler for some redemption and then—”

“Your signal is gone,” Futaba cuts in. 

Akechi pauses for a moment, then asks, “What do you do after?”

Akira tenses. Akechi notices. He hates this. The tension. That  _ question _ . 

_ What do you do after? _

Blame himself for failing for the first, second, fifth time. Every time, it ends the same way. Akechi sacrificing himself in some way. Last time, he joined their ranks sooner, but it still ended up the same damn way. What did Akira do? Curse himself, force himself to keep moving forward knowing that Akechi drew his last breath behind that door and he couldn’t do anything. He tried desperately each time, not to break down. 

Last time, he almost did.

“What do you want me to do?” Akira asked instead.

Akechi shrugs. It’s uncharacteristic of him to shrug this much. It’s unusual for him to not have that many words to say. This silent Akechi is reserved. Resigned to his fate. Akira prays that he hasn’t given up on him. He silently begs Akechi to not give up on him. Akira will save him. 

“I don’t know Akira,” Akechi responds. “If I knew, I would have told you a long time go.”

In a previous cycle. 

“It depends on me?” Akira asks.

“All your choices matter,” Akechi answers ambiguously. But the resignation in the fact that  _ his _ choices don’t matter hurts Akira.  _ All _ Akira’s choice’s matter.

“Do yours?” 

Akechi shook his head, “No. Believe me, I’ve tried a lot of things. Nothing has changed.”

“How many times?” Akira questions because he needs to know. The implication is there. There’s been more than five. Akira can hear it in Akechi’s voice. 

“I’m sorry?” Akechi asks. 

Akira glares, his leg is moving faster. He’s playing with his bangs, “You sound like you’ve done this more.”

“Done what more?”

“Don’t play dumb,” Akira hisses. The others step back because Akira raises his voice. Akira never raises his voice and he rarely speaks. They know how important Akechi is to him though. Akechi isn’t acknowledging what was between them though. Akira tries not to let it get to him.

“Akira—”

“Tried a lot of things? How many times have you killed yourself trying to break this loop and realized it wouldn’t work?” 

The silence among them grows. The tension almost unbearable. Akechi, though, brightens a little. A crooked smile on his face, though it bares the weariness of someone who has been through too much in too short amounts of time. 

“Akira, what—”

“Fifteen,” Akechi’s smile doesn’t look right on him. Akira wants to wipe it off and replace it with the genuine he has seen before. “You seem to only remember five instances, but there’s probably been more than fifteen. But that’s as far back as I can remember.” 

Akira pauses his movements, forces his leg to stop moving. A coldness goes down his spine. He hates it. That explains the exhaustion. The bags under his eyes.  _ Fifteen _ .

“Fifteen,  _ fuck _ ,” Ryuji swears. “What the actual  _ fuck _ ? What kind of sick game is this?”

Akira wishes he knew the answer. Akira wishes he could remember all fifteen times so he can feel what Akechi feels but now he understands his indifference. It makes sense now. Akechi is numbed to this because he’s done this so many times.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Morgana questions.

Akechi laughs at that, “Would you have believed me? You still don’t trust me  _ not  _ to stab you in the back and you expect me to tell you that we’ve been reliving these same events for so long? That we’re living in a fucking  _ loop _ that won’t end until your leader figures out how to break it?” He scoffs, “ _ Please _ .”

Akira’s heart feels like lead. 

“I—”

“It’s not your fault,” Akechi clarifies. “It’s not your fault.” Akira shouldn’t be surprised at Akechi’s consideration and concern for Akira’s sanity. He’s shown this in the previous times they’ve gotten close. It should be the other way around. Akira should be comforting Akechi because the raven head knows Akechi needs it more.

“You’ve told me before, haven’t you?” Akira gasps out. “This isn’t the first time you’ve told me this, is it?”

Akechi remains silent. That’s answer enough. 

“God,” Akira chokes out. 

“Oh no…” Ann mutters. “Oh no… We forgot? The loop erased our memories?”

“Apparently,” Akechi shrugs again. Akira wants to force his shoulders to stay down. To stop acting like he’s just been told that it’s going to rain for the rest of the day. 

Akira hates this. He hates this. He knew going into this that some huge revelation was going to come out of this. But to think that the man he’s loved in so many of these cycles has just been in this perpetual loop of death and pain for so long and he’s the only reason they’re not out of it…

“What do I have to do?” Akira feels like he’s begging to someone to give him an answer. Maybe it’s Akechi, but he already knows he doesn’t have an answer.

“I don’t know,” Akechi answers anyway, but Akira knows he’s aware that Akira wasn’t talking to him. They’ve already been through this. Akira has probably asked this question in all the other cycles he doesn’t remember.

Akira swallows trying to pull himself together. He hasn’t fallen apart yet, he’s close to it though. Just like every time he has turned his back to the door that locked him away from Akechi as the man dies each time.

“We’re we…” he leaves it open and licks his lips. They’ve gotten dry and so has his tongue. 

“Yes.”

“How many?”

“I don’t know,” Akechi admits. “It blends together. Maybe at seven?”

Seven?

“I’m sorry. We’ve restarted and tried and I’ve stopped trusting you so many times. I’m so sorry,” Akira apologizes again. 

“It’s not your fault.”

It is. 

“This time though… I can’t promise anything—”

“You’ve said that before.”

_ Fuck. _

He has to wonder how much of this conversation is just a repeat for Akechi. 

“Together, we’ll figure this out.” Akira says simply. He wants to feel determined and he wants to convey it to Akechi. Akechi holds his gaze. A more genuine smile crosses his face.

“Sure.” 

It’s not convincing. The smile is so small that Akira struggles to see it.

“Believe in me.”

“I never stopped.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little short thing playing with the idea that Akechi has been aware of the loop longer than Akira and the others and has been living with knowledge for a while without telling any of them.  
> I considered elaborating on this idea some more, but maybe later.
> 
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated! Let me know what you think! Can't wait for P5R.


End file.
